Who I am....

I’m there for everyone who is there for me?


I support and encourage and at times I carry.

I cry alone in the shadows.

I scream.

I shout to no avail.

At times I even start to believe my own front that

I am invincible. That nothing can touch me.

But in truth I am not.

I am just a weak little girl that is playing in a grown up world.

And I am tired, scared and alone….

The Price of Freedom

Rayne counted the money for the fifth time in 10 minutes and it was still $1000.00 short. Damn that James not only had he come up short with his half of the rent he had been in the half that she had been saving to get it caught up. She knew that the landlord would not accept any more excuses and he was very clear on it had to be the whole amount or they were out on the street. She had to admit he had been more than patient so she understood where he was coming from he had bills to pay too. She sighed as she picked up the phone, dreading what she was about to do but she did not see where there was any other alternative. She dialed the number slowly then put the receiver to her ear. After the second ring, a dark Hennessey voice came on the line.

“Long time no hear, Rayne. To what do I owe the honor?”

“Hey Brandon. How are you doing?”

“Let’s cut to the chase and not do the small talk. We both know you need something to call me. So what is it?”

“Brandon that is what I love about you. Straight to the point.”

“You didn’t love it enough for you to stay with me.”

“OoooK. I need a really big favor.”

“What kind of favor?”

“$1000 kind” she said quietly.

“Hmmm that is a big favor. What do you need it for?”

“I am behind on the rent and I have to pay it now.”

“Are you still with what’s his name?”

“I don’t want to discuss that right now. Will you please loan me the money?”

“A loan is it? So when will I get it back?”

“I just started a new job and will get paid next week I can give you half next week and half two weeks later.”

“Hmm if it is that close to payday why not just wait.”

“I told you that I am behind and the landlord won’t wait. Brandon please I just need to know if I can borrow the money.”

“You know you can, you just have to come get it.”

“When?”

“I’m home all day today. You remember the way right?”

“Yeah, and Brandon thanks.”

Rayne hung up the phone and grabbed her keys. She had known that Brandon would give her the money but she felt bad having to ask him for it when she had a nigga up in the house that was suppose to be carrying half the load. She looked at the clock. Where the hell was he anyway? It didn’t matter his presence wouldn’t have helped the situation of what she had done or what she was going to have to do. Brandon had given in easier than she expected which meant there was a price for his cooperation.

She arrived at Brandon’s house around dinner. She laughed as the smell of garlic chicken reached her through the door. He had cooked his favorite meal. He opened the door and invited her in. He looked pretty much the same as the last time she had seen him about a year ago. When she had told him that she could not be, what he wanted her to be – his wife. He had taken it quite well all things considered and they remained friend.

She took a seat on the sofa as he returned to the kitchen. Looking around the room she noticed that he had finally invested in a dining room set and the table was set for two with candles and flowers.

“I see that you are expecting company so I won’t stay long if I can just get that from you I will be on my way.”

He laughed, “All of this is for you. I figured you could probably use a break so since you were coming over I cooked dinner and I even have your favorite drink chilled for you.”

“Did I take that long getting here?”

“Not really. But I know you. It took a lot for you to call and ask me for money which meant you were going to have to take a minute to come to terms with it before you finally came to get it.” Rayne fidgeted in her seat as he placed a glass on the table in front of her. Why couldn’t he just LOAN her the money no strings attached. He slid into the chair directed across from where she sat on the sofa. “So tell me where is the little boyfriend at these days? If he is not keeping you financially what else is he not doing?”

“I’d rather not discuss that situation.” She replied through gritted teeth.

“You know if you had stayed with me you wouldn’t be in this position.”

Here we go with the shoulda, coulda, and woulda. I really don’t feel like this today. I wish he would just get on with what he has to say and let me go on my way. The timer in the kitchen went off mercifully. He rose to get the fresh bread from the oven and placed it on the table. “Dinner is served my lady.” As he pulled a chair from the table for her, she was hungry so why not.

They ate most of the meal in silence.  She was only half through with plate when Brandon cleared his throat to speak. Here we go again.

“Rayne, I have been thinking about what you said and I think I have come to some ‘other arrangements’ for payment so as to not have you fall behind again by having to go into your cash fund.”

****

Sitting on the side of the bed Rayne looked that the caller ID on her cell phone. James had called 12 times in the last hour. He should have gotten a clue by now that she was busy. He probably needed a ride home instead of catching the bus. Knowing him, he didn’t have any money to do that. She had expected so much more from him and was so sadly disappointed that he acted more like her child than her man. She put the phone back on the nightstand.

Brandon came out of the bathroom “There is a towel in the bathroom and I left the water running hot for you.” He said as he counted out the money, “You can consider the “loan” paid in full.” He said as he tossed the money on the bed they had just occupied. “I put a little extra on it for you.”

Damn, I hate myself for sinking to this level. Rayne thought as she gathered the bills and muttered “Thank you.”

She went to the shower and scrubbed her skin to the point of it hurting. It wasn’t Brandon that she was trying to get rid of or even thinking of it was the shit hole her life had become. As she stepped out of the shower, she saw her phone vibrating again. It was another text message from James Are you picking me up or what?  She turned the phone off she hated him so much at this moment.

***

She pulled up and glared at James as he reached for the door to her civic coupe. He got in the car talking shit.

“Why haven’t you answered the phone or returned any of my calls? And why the hell are you late.”

She didn’t answer him she just looked straight ahead, as she pulled away from the curb. He kept talking all the way home. When they got in the house, he looked at the kitchen “Where’s dinner? You didn’t even cook. What have you been doing?”

Now she had had more than enough. She exploded, “I did what your dumb ass couldn’t do I got the rest of the rent. And don’t think I don’t know you stole my damn money.”

“Where’d you get that from?”

“None of your damn business where I got it. Just know that I did.”

“Well give me the keys I need to make a run.”

“No” she said through gritted teeth.

He looked at her stunned. “Quit playing and toss the keys”

“I said no! You are not taking my car tonight.”

“What you have something planned?”

“No, but I want my car to stay right where it is. It’s mine and I said no.”

He started to fidget looking at his watch. “You serious?” Looking at his watch again he grabbed for the keys.

She did not try to stop him; instead she reached for her cigarettes took one from the pack and lit it inhaling deeply. She let him make it to the door. “If you take that car I will have you arrested for grand theft auto. Try me if you want to. I’ll have it reported stolen before you get down the street.” Her voice was so steady the he knew she was through playing with him. She was through with him.

He paused. “You would have me arrested knowing my situation.”

She just nodded. The phone rung he looked at it nervously. She looked at the caller ID as she reached and answered it. “No, he will not be using MY car this evening to pick your sorry ass up.” The voice on the other end of the line was still cursing as she placed the phone back on the hook and looked at him. “That was your bitch. She wanted to know if you were picking her up this evening. If you leave now you just might make the bus. But I would advise you take anything you want with you cause you are not coming back in here.” Not waiting for his answer she picked up the phone and made a call. He could not hear all of the words she was saying but he did catch “$80 and 20 minutes”. Rayne hung up the phone and went to the cabinet and removed two large black garbage bags, she held out her hand for her keys, which he grudgingly place in her palm

“Thank you. I am so glad you are seeing things my way.” She said then proceeded to the bedroom and closed the door. 10 minutes later she emerged with the bags full, opened the door and placed them on the porch. This was the way he had brought it in and the way she wanted it to go out. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

It took him a moment to realize that the bags were full of his stuff. “You can’t do this my name is on the lease too.”

“No sweetheart it is not. I took care of that a while back. THIS IS MY APARTMENT.”

“Where am I supposed to go?”

“Maybe your bitch will take you in. I don’t know or care I just want you gone TONIGHT. Shall I call the cops or will you leave quietly?”

“Rayne, you know this is real fucked up. You knew when I moved in with you that I couldn’t go back home and now you are just going to put me out! Just like that! That’s real fucked up!” at this point his eyes are bulging out of his head. He raised his hand to strike her. She put her arm up to block the blow and saw the change in his face. He thought she was scared as he opened the door to retrieve the bags.

“NO!” she shouted, “I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!”

“Girl, quit playing. I will beat your ass in here before you put me out.”

He said the wrong words and didn’t even realize it. It took only a second from the time the words came from his mouth for it to register but that was all that she needed to hear. This nigga had lost his damn mind. “NIGGA if you EVER HIT ME I WILL BE THE LAST PERSON YOU HIT. Do you understand me? Now get your shit and leave now!” She was standing near the cutting block with her hand resting on the meat cleaver with no subtle threat implied.

“So now you gonna cut me?” he asked back in his little boy voice. She did not reply nor did she lower her gaze or remove her hand. “Ain’t this some shit. My mother told me that you were the type of bitch that would try to kill a nigga.”

“Don’t get it mistaken there will be no trying. I have resolved I can do 10 to 20 years for manslaughter. I will not stand by and let ANY nigga hit me. You really got me twisted. Now are you leaving or do I need to call the police.” She said in a near whisper as the tears of pent up anger rolled down her face. They were at a standoff.

Just then there was a knock at the door. “Open up police.” Someone had beaten her to it. He looked at the door and opened it. The officer entered the house looked from her to him and back at her. “Ma’am is everything ok. One of your neighbors called saying they heard raised voices?”

“James do we have a problem?” she asked. He lowered his head. She turned to the officer, “He was just leaving. Can I impose on you to walk him out? Thank you.”

The officer looked at the bags on the porch and took in the scene. “Ma’am would you like to file a report.”

“No, not at this time. I just need him to be gone.” She paused glancing at the clock, “Can you get the key from him, too. I don’t want him back in here.” She just added the last as emphasize to him as the lock smith would be there within the next 10 minutes to change the lock and install a deadbolt. She wasn’t worried about him climbing in a window she was on the second floor.

The officer took the key and tested it in the lock before he handed it to her. “You have a good evening ma’am.” He said as he walked with the now struggling James down the stairs. James stopped midway “What about the rest of my stuff?”

“What stuff?  All you brought in here were you cloths and a 12 pack of toilet paper. Everything else I brought with me or have bought with my money. Do you want the toilet paper? Hold on.” She went into the apartment and returned with a brand new 12-pack of Charmin. “Here you go that is everything.” She looked to the officer “Thank you again officer.”

Rayne closed the door and rested her back against the door. FREE! She was Free, well not yet but she would be as soon as the locks were changed.

***

 Life is so funny just after you struggle to get everything that you think that you wanted you realize it is not what you needed which is probably why you had to struggle to get it in the first place. Sometime we just don’t know when we should leave shit alone. Rayne thought. It had been two weeks since the police accompanied James from her door.  She wasn’t having second thoughts about her most recent decision to kick James out. She only regretted the time she had wasted with him hoping that he would get his shit together and in the process hers fell apart. This was crazy.

During the past two weeks she had to have her number changed because he kept calling her. By the end of the first week he was no longer trying to be nice and sweet the calls were bordering on criminal stalking. She was having security at work escort her to her car and was in the process of looking for a more secure apartment complex. Brandon had called a few times to see if she was ok but after their last encounter she just couldn’t face him. She let the calls roll into voicemail. So with the number changed she killed two birds with one stone, so to speak.

On the bright side, she was officially dating again. It was nothing serious and he wasn’t really new. She had met him when things had started to go bad with James and just kept him on the back burner. He was a sweet guy but had too many issues for her to be serious about him but he was a pleasant distraction. He worked for UPS as a driver. He did the deliveries to the office and as always it started with a hello and they just started talking. After several rejected lunch invitations he showed up at the office with lunch in hand, how could she turn that down? They sat talking and by the end of lunch they had exchanged numbers. She had called him a few times when James had gone out or was working late. The conversation was stimulating to say the least; she just couldn’t get into him. He was extremely attractive, good head on his shoulders but he had six kids that he had custody of because their mother was in prison for murder due to come up on parole. Admirable but too iffy. You don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire.

She had gone out with the girls over the weekend and to show how small the world is she ran into one of her old flames from high school. She was purse-sitting when he sent her favorite drink- tequila sunrise- to the table.

“The gentleman at the bar sent this” the waiter said as he nodded to the end of the bar. There was a fat dough boy guy sitting there smiling at her. Rayne smiled weakly before turning to the waiter “please take it back and tell him no thank you.”

“He said that you would say that, and if you did I was to give you this.” He produced an envelope and walked away.

Inside the envelope was a picture. Rayne stared at the picture and looked at the bar again. Doughboy was still looking at her like she was a Big Mac. He was not the same guy that was in this picture. She briefly scanned the club but did not see him. She turned the picture over and there was a number with a note talk to you soon. That was the one thing that she hated about him- his over confidence. He knew she was not going to be able to resist. He friends were back at the table now. She excused herself to take a step outside for a smoke.  On the patio she lit her cigarette and took a long drag letting her mind wander as she exhaled. She heard someone else come out and only glanced briefly in the direction of the door before going back to her own thoughts.

 “Smoking is a bad habit. I thought you would have quit by now.” A voice said from behind her. She knew that voice! She would know it anywhere. She turned slowly and there he was.